How to feed a baby

HOW TO...

In my limited experience, babies are great feeders until they wake up to the world and are curious about anything and EVERYTHING around them!
Here’s our current feeding situation…

Part I
1. Sit down with baby
2. Offer boob
3. Let baby latch on and start feed
4. Wait for baby to get distracted by nothing at all across the other side of the room, but look over there anyway, taking your nip with them. Yelp in pain.
5. Let baby relatch again and restart feeding
6. Feel letdown reflex
7. Watch as husband walks past and makes no noise at all
8. Watch as baby turns to look at dad doing nothing (heh), leaving milk spraying out all over baby’s face
9. Wonder how she can’t feel it soaking her neck while hurriedly trying to get her attention back and onto the boob
10. Wonder if bottles would’ve be easier…
11. Decide: Probably not.. Would be just as hard… Both have their positives and drawbacks…
12. Get baby back on your boob and get into the feed
13. Marvel at how lucky you were to get feeding established and feel chuffed that you’ve made it this far
14. Notice baby has finished that side and has unlatched
15. Lift baby up and hear huge burp before you were ready with the burp cloth
16. Get spew all down your front
17. Laugh when baby grins at you
18. Put baby in other boob
19. Repeat steps 2-17
20. Finish feed
21. Put baby on their mat and get ready to feed solids
21. Listen to her protesting as you walk away
22. Explain that you’re only going to the kitchen
23. Realise that talking to an infant and expecting them to understand is probably the definition of crazy

Part II
1. Put baby in highchair
2. Wrestle with baby to get her into full apron bib
3. Defrost and gently heat puréed organic food with no salt, sugar or preservatives that you spent hours cooking, blending, freezing and storing safely in non-BPA, freezer safe bags
4. Test heat of food by tasting it yourself
5. Think “Ew, that’s so bland!!”
6. Offer spoon full of purée to baby
7. Watch as she happily swallows
8. Praise baby for being so clever!!
9. Repeat steps 6 & 7, but only three more times
10. Watch baby screw up her face
11. Offer more food and watch baby shake her head and clamp her mouth shut
12. Sing a song
13. Hum a tune
14. Do a jig (seriously)
15. When baby laughs scoop food into her mouth
16. Watch her swallow
17. Repeat steps 11-14, three more times
18. Baby has cottoned onto your tricks, baby will not be having any more food THANK YOU VERY MUCH, Waaaah!
19. Give up and go fetch sippy cup off the bench
20. Turn around at the same time baby pushes the plastic bowl of food off the highchair tray
21. Watch as time slows down
22. Launch yourself across the kitchen in a vain attempt to do something to prevent the mess
23. Watch the pumpkin purée splatter onto the floor and fly up in the air
24. Hear baby laugh and laugh
25. Figure you’ve lost your mind so you might as well join in too
26. Get out the wet wipes
27. Clean floor, walls, highchair, baby, yourself
28. Take off baby’s bib
29. Take note that despite being covered head to toe in full protective bib, she still managed to get food on her new, fancy shirt
30. Swear when you realise you’ll have to soak it because you hate washing
31. Wonder how much longer you have to swear out loud before baby picks up on words and uses them for herself
32. Decide to google it later
33. Call for baby’s dad to sweep in and take her off for a bath
34. Get ready for part III – cooking your own dinner… Fml.

What’s the feeding routine like in your household?

4 thoughts on “How to feed a baby

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